I have a confession, I’m not a writer.  At least I don’t really see myself as a writer or even a blogger.  Oh I am an ideas person for sure, and I can write a darn good clinical report.   But writing and blogging for the general public (for lack of a better term)  is fairly new to me.

It wasn’t until  last winter when I launched  my sister site offbeatFamily.com that I first started blogging.   That was somewhat short-lived as I found vlogging (28 videos to date) to be my prefered method of sharing. So when I decided to relaunch arttherapist.ca, (formerly an information site) and do it blog style, I was really testing my limits. Balancing on tippy toes without the ballet shoes.

I love reading other’s blogs. Some of my favorites are soulspackle and roots of she.  When I read these I feel not just fed but nourished.  A sign of good writing I’m sure.

Even though I have written  guest posts for these blogs I still struggle with the idea of myself as a writer.   It’s not my main mode of expression. Though I have journals of philosophical ponderings from my university years and poems from my teenage and early adulthood years, somehow I have come to see myself as “not a writer”.

Oh I can write awesome therapeutic stories for my clients. Even fabulous guided meditations   But writing for a broader audience kind of scares me. What if they read what I write and don’t come back?  What if they sign up and don’t bother opening my emails with my supposed inspiring blurbs? There are so many other wonderful writers and bloggers out there that I’m sure have more intriguing posts.

Pause…..

Then it hits me:  what if that stupid comparison monster doesn’t shut up? What if it decides to eat at me slowly taking little bites out of me? The voices begin by gnawing at my self-confidence bit by bit until I finally give up. Afterall it is the only way to get it to stop.  Or is it?

What if I accept my style of writing as in and of it self another way of expressing myself, regardless of my skills in this area?  What if I honor my expressions no matter the modality as I do my clients.  Then I will have no choice but to write.

Alas, it is still unnerving.  I find myself reading and re-reading posts, some of which sit there waiting the approval of the inner critics who demand that the posts “sound” better.  But I can’t help but be inspired by the growing number of bloggers out there expressing themselves with such passion and honesty.

And just so you know, as a trained therapist, one of the things that is often emphasized in the field, is to keep your feelings to yourself.   Sharing them with clients is considered somewhat taboo.   This is a big shift in thinking for me.

While I generally try to be transparent about my work and thoughts sharing my personal feelings is not usually encouraged. I should mention that I agree with this for the clinical work I do as I don’t want my own struggles to overshadow or burden my client’s. Yet isn’t that the crux of what good writing and blogging is about: baring your soul?

So here I am doing my best to share that part of me that struggles and wrestles with self-doubt and the comparison monster. Putting labels on myself and expectations of how I “should” be. Trying to define myself in this web of definitions and labels. For now I say to you, “I am a writer but I am so much more!”

Something to ponder:

What have you denied about yourself for fear that others would judge you when really your inner judge is at play?

What have you held yourself back from because of these inner critics who slap on labels of is and is nots?

How would you like to express yourself differently but haven’t because you feel you can’t that you’re not good enough?

Ponder if you will, but do yourself a favor, leave self judgement at the door.

Peace by piece