It’s been a pretty busy month, I can’t believe it is already February! As part of the Art Therapy Alliance 6 Degrees of Creativity, I have been having fun making sock monkeys and sending them overseas to live with new families, making my first set of ATC (artist trading cards).  I have been keeping up with blog posts both here, and at Offbeatfamily.com. Busy so busy, yes…

Okay I’m going to come clean, I’m avoiding writing about something here that is on my mind.  I wanted to share this something because I think that many of you may have had a similar experience and perhaps this will be helpful to you, but also I feel like I need to get this out of my system because it is nagging at me. Are you in suspense yet? Ok I admit another stall tactic on my behalf. So here it goes!

Last summer I signed up for the Sketchbook Project, which basically is a project where anyone can join, have a special sketchbook sent to you which you then fill in pretty much however you want. All the sketchbooks are then sent back after completion so that they can tour around the USA as a traveling art show. Did I mention anyone could be a part of it, no matter your skill level?

So I was all excited when I got my book and did my first drawing in it, not really having any idea of how I was going to piece it together as a book or story ( I had chosen the theme “tell me a story” (appropriate right, since I like to tell stories).

Well let me tell you, after I did that first drawing I froze. I let that book sit there, well actually I took it with me in my bag many times and with drawing supplies, but the point is I didn’t draw in it. To put it in perspective for you, the book has all of 15 pages and it’s the size of a small diary. Not really hard to fill right? Wrong! At least for me.

Months went by before I added my next picture and it was nothing like the first either in style or theme. I froze again. I let it sit there longer this time.

In my head I went over vague ideas of what I could add to it but still did not add to it. “I’m not a drawer”, I heard my defensive side pipe up, “Ya, I’m not a “neat” artist” I nodded in agreement. “I’m use to doing big art” the excuses continued.

I left it at that for the time being figuring I still had some time to work on the book, after all it did not have to be post marked until January 31st, 2012 (this was back in November, then December 2011). Well I still had some time to work on it, it was small after all and not that thick. When the December holidays rolled around and I had some time off I thought I would work on it then. But still no ideas were coming to me about what I would do.

My normal way of working is pretty organic, just letting the expression spill out onto the paper any way it needs to. This was different somehow, it was as if there were different expectations about this process of finishing the sketchbook and handing it back in. Was I afraid of being judged in terms of my artistic abilities? Did I fear it would not be good enough compared to the thousands they would get? Was I wanting mine to stand out somehow?

These expectations were none other than my own of course.

Then a brilliant idea came to me one night in that precipitous lull before sleep-time. No really, it was brilliant because it was so me and so in line with how I feel art helps us express and connect. The only thing was that I just had 2 weeks left at this point, and considering all the stuff I was already working on (see the first paragraph) on top of the regular busy-ness of a working mom, it was highly unlikely that it would happen. Ok I say that now knowing full well that it did not happen.

The truth is I actually did think I could get it done, logistically speaking anyway. I began painting in it, completing a spread of two pages and half completing two more. I painted the title on the front, gessoed and painted over the original drawings which I had rejected, wrote down my clever ideas and froze again. Well not in the same way obviously because I got a little further, but I froze just the same.

This time I noticed that there was a dialogue happening which helped me identify why I was getting stuck. It started out as thoughts and worries about not having enough time to do a proper job. Anyone who is close to me knows that leaving things until the last-minute is almost a trade mark of mine. I have memories of working on writing assignments given out weeks in advance only to whip them up and polishing them off the night before (hey like this post).

At first when I listened to the inner voices I heard more excuses, and then judgement because it seemed like I was giving up. Looking beyond the thoughts to my feelings I could see the fear. This was after all something I considered to be a challenge for me when I decided to take it on. Something out of my comfort zone.

I’m not really use to planning my art in this way. Perhaps it did not have to be that way. Up to the last day before it was due to be sent, I tormented myself over not doing it. I contemplated: Should I just quickly get my ideas down and send it in? Again I turned to the feeling, it moved beyond fear now to acceptance. I listened really carefully now to those inner dialogues and what I heard was that I did not need to finish this for the sake of sending it in. Ahhh permission I have permission to do what I want,to do what pleases me. At the end of the day, taking on this project was not about a finished project.

I realized that the lesson which I am always trying to guide my clients with holds true here too. It’s not about the product, it’s about the process. I did not finish and send in my sketchbook, and that’s okay. I’ve got to trust the process.